Sexologist Reveals How To Improve Intimacy and Connection After Childbirth
A third of couples are stuck in sexless marriages.
The truth is, after you’ve been together for a long time, and especially after children turn your life upside down, intimacy with your partner can take a back seat.
You may feel like things will never be the same again, a depressing thought.
But becoming a parent doesn’t have to mean the end of a deep and satisfying relationship with your partner.
Sure, intimacy post-kids requires more intention and planning, and it will look different than the beginning of your relationship.
But it can be just as good (if not better).
We spoke with a sexologist and the founder of Bloomi, Rebecca Alvarez Story, on what intimacy can look like post-kids and how couples can spice things up in the bedroom.
Why Couples Struggle To Connect After Kids
First of all, it’s completely normal for couples to find it harder to connect after having kids.
“Kids bring joy and invaluable memories to your family, but they also add layers of responsibility that shift the rhythm of a relationship,” explains Alvarez Story. “Parents suddenly operate on tighter schedules, more mental load, and less rest.”
The fatigue and stress due to all the changes can naturally lower libido and make connecting with your partner more challenging.
“Nothing is ‘wrong' with the relationship. Life has simply changed, and intimacy needs more intentional nurturing rather than the spontaneity couples relied on before kids,” says Alvarez Story.
Mothers also go through a number of hormonal changes post-birth that can significantly influence mood, mental health, and libido. It may take a while to get used to all the ways the body changes, which can also be a reason why intimacy is not a top priority.
7 Sexologist Tips on How To Improve Intimacy After Having Kids
So, how to reconnect with your partner after kids and make time for intimacy? We have seven tried-and-tested sexologist tips to help you build a new, intentional intimacy routine with your partner.
Share the Mental Load
Make sure you’re sharing the mental load that comes with running a household and taking care of kids. Tackle the household-related to-do list together, be in the know about all the kid-related activities and appointments, and give each other breaks so you’re able to refill your cups and show up for each other and your children better.
If you’re in the type of relationship where one parent stays at home with the child while the other goes to work, avoid treating parenting and staying home as “not real work.” The primary parenting partner deserves space, alone time, and rest from parenting. Staying home with kids is a job, too.
Create a Ritual To Help You Unwind
After a long day at work, handling multiple responsibilities and kids, it can be hard to turn off your body and mind, or get in the mood to play. That’s why Alvarez Story recommends creating a simple transitional ritual.
“It’s a short, simple activity that helps your body shift out of ‘parent mode’ and into a more grounded, receptive state where you can crave intimacy better,” she explains.
You decide what your ritual looks like. It can be anything from a shower to rinse off the day, a five-minute meditation, changing into cozy clothes, or listening to your favorite song. It’s very personal, and it’s normal if your preference looks different from your partner’s ritual.
“These micro-rituals regulate your nervous system, helping you return to your partner as you, not the overextended version of yourself,” says Alvarez Story. “When your body slows down, emotional connection naturally feels more accessible.”
Date Like You’ve Just Met
When you’re in a new relationship, the sex is always hot, and it feels as if you can’t get enough of each other.
Well, this partly happens because we make space for connection and prioritize it. “When couples first date, they connect easily because they spend time doing enjoyable things together (baseball games, hikes, wine bar, etc.),” says Alvarez Story.
While spontaneous sex may have worked before kids, after childbirth, it can be impossible to find time when both of you are in the mood to play out of the blue.
This is where intentional dating comes into play.
“Try scheduling one to two hours together once or twice a week – even if it means coordinating childcare or adjusting routines,” Alarez Story recommends.
This way, you know that you’ll have alone time to connect, talk, and just enjoy each other’s company, whether or not it leads to sex.
Communicate With Each Other
Communication is key for a happy and satisfying relationship, and that’s even more important once kids are involved.
Practicing open communication helps express how you feel and find out how your partner feels, too. You can figure out what’s working, what needs improvement, and how you can best support each other.
“Start by bringing back fun,” says Alvarez Story. “Playfulness created space for deeper conversations. After kids, you have to intentionally re-create that environment.”
You can set the time to talk things out during your date nights. “Set gentle ground rules: handle logistics first, then move into 'no kid talk,' or start by sharing three things you appreciate about each other,” says Alvarez Story.
While you may feel like you know everything there’s to know about your partner, there’s always something new to discover.
During your next date night, get curious and ask your partner intimacy-building questions, and see what you uncover.
Build Anticipation
Are you one of those people who only think about foreplay or get turned on once you’re in the bedroom, thinking about sex?
Well, it may be time to switch it up.
Building anticipation and engaging in foreplay activities like cuddling or kissing outside the bedroom is key to connection.
Of course, your partner may not be in the mood to play if they’re not turned on.
Spend some time during the day teasing them and see how they respond. Leave them a love note, send a sexy text, or simply pull them in and kiss them while you're doing the dishes.
Take Sex off the Table
Sometimes, the pressure to have sex is the exact reason why you or your partner aren’t in the mood for it.
All the expectations, pressure, and performance anxiety can be real libido killers.
In this case, it’s useful to try to take sex off the table completely. Instead, focus on other fun exploration activities such as sensual massage, sensory play, or erogenous zones exploration.
It still gives you an opportunity to connect with your partner and be playful. You may be surprised where it leads.
Check In With Yourself About Your Libido
If the reason why you’re avoiding intimacy is physical rather than psychological, it could be due to your libido.
It changes and fluctuates throughout our lives, and it’s completely normal to experience low libido periods. “Low libido after kids is incredibly common and very treatable,” says Alvarez Story.
Improving libido can require lifestyle changes such as lowering stress levels, improving sleep, and spending more time on self-care activities that allow you to take care of your body.
Or you could introduce certain tools, such as libido supplements or arousal serums.
“Arousal oils are especially helpful. They stimulate natural blood flow through touch, helping your body ease back into desire,” explains Alvarez Story.
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