How To Orgasm During Sex: 9 Tips From a Sexologist
Let’s be real, orgasm during sex isn’t always as effortless as movies make it look.
For many of us, it takes time, curiosity, and a bit of trial and error to understand what truly turns us on.
Whether you’ve never reached orgasm with a partner or just want to experience them more consistently, you’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone!
Pleasure isn’t one-size-fits-all, and learning how to orgasm during sex is often about unlearning what we’ve been taught to expect.
To help, Arya’s resident sexologist shares nine tried-and-tested tips to help you connect with your body, build confidence, and experience more pleasure during partnered sex.
How To Orgasm During Sex: 9 Tips From Our Sexologist
1. Get Confident With Self-Exploration
Before you can orgasm with someone, it helps to understand what feels good to you. Solo erogenous zones’ exploration lets you map your body without pressure or performance.
Take time to touch yourself without a goal. Focus on what sensations feel pleasurable rather than racing toward climax. Try gentle strokes around your vulva, inner thighs, or breasts. Notice what kind of pressure, rhythm, or position feels best.
The better you know your body, the easier it is to communicate your needs to your partner and guide them with confidence.
2. Get Turned On (aka Don’t Skip the Warm-Up)
One of the biggest reasons orgasms feel elusive? We rush straight to penetration before the body is fully turned on.
Arousal isn’t just physical. It’s psychological. It takes time for our bodies to warm up and open fully to receive pleasure.
Flirting, kissing, sensual massage, teasing, and extended foreplay help your body produce natural lubrication, increase blood flow to the genitals, and prime your brain for pleasure.
Think of foreplay not as a pre-game, but as part of the main event. The more turned on you feel, the easier it becomes to reach climax. Or even multiple Os. And who doesn’t like that?
3. Focus on the Clit
“The clitoris is your Grand Central Station for erotic sensation,” explains Dr. Emily Nagoski in her bestselling book, Come As You Are. “The dominance of the clitoris in women’s orgasms explains why 80-90 percent of women who masturbate typically do so with little or no vaginal penetration, including when they use vibrators.”
If your orgasms have been hiding from you whenever you have sex, maybe you’ve been searching for them in the wrong place.
The clitoris, with over 8,000 nerve endings, is the true powerhouse of pleasure. Explore different ways to stimulate it: hands, oral, grinding, or pressure against a partner’s pelvis.
If direct touch feels too intense, try circular or side-to-side motions around the clitoral hood, or use lube to reduce friction.
Ask your partner to go down on you, or use your favorite bullet vibe during penetrative sex to help you stimulate the clitoris.
4. Put the Vibe Away
This is a controversial take, but hear us out!
While using your favorite vibrator to help you tip over the edge during partnered sex is okay, and for some people may even be encouraged, it’s true that sometimes less is more.
“Over-reliance on sex toys is an issue many women struggle with. We swing from one end of the pendulum (not being able to O), all the way to the other end (not being able to O without a toy),” explains Arya’s in-house sexologist, Tugce Balik.
If you find yourself unable to orgasm without the help of your favorite vibrator, it may be time to pause and change things up. It may be time to get to know your body better and overcome any mental blocks you may have.
How, you may ask?
“We do this by educating ourselves about our own bodies. By removing any blocks we might have (physical, emotional, and/or energetic) through somatic practices,” says Balik. “We work through any shame, guilt, anger, or disconnection we have to our own sexuality and bodies.”
You may be surprised by the heights of pleasure that are unlocked when you put the vibe aside and focus on connecting more deeply with yourself.
5. Find the Right Position
Some positions make it easier to stimulate the clitoris or hit your body’s unique pleasure spots.
Here are some fun sex positions to try:
Cowgirl: Lets you control the depth, angle, and rhythm. Great for grinding against your partner’s pelvis and stimulating the clitoris.
Modified missionary (with a pillow under your hips): Changes the angle of penetration and brings the clitoris closer to contact.
Spooning: Slower, deeper, and perfect for pressure or gentle rocking without too much friction.
Edge of the bed: Lie on the edge while your partner stands or kneels. Easy access for clitoral or G-spot stimulation with hands or toys.
Face-to-face sitting: Creates closeness and allows both partners to grind together for blended clitoral and penetrative stimulation.
Doggy style (with a toy or hand on the clit): Great for deep penetration. Pair it with external stimulation for dual pleasure.
Flat-on-belly (“pillow grind” position): Creates steady, pressure-based friction many people find orgasmic; lie flat and have your partner press against you from behind.
Experiment without overthinking it. What matters most isn’t how the position looks, but how it feels.
6 Experiment With New Techniques
Pleasure thrives on curiosity. Try introducing gentle G-spot stimulation by using your fingers or a partner’s fingers in a “come-hither” motion a few centimeters inside the vagina.
You can also explore rhythm and depth. Slow, consistent movement often builds more intensity than fast thrusting.
Maybe you’ll notice that shallow penetration feels better than deeper penetration.
Also remember, your body changes daily (thanks, hormones!), so what works one day might not the next. Stay playful and open to discovery.
7. Add Lube
When in doubt, lube it up!
Friction can dull sensitivity, while lubrication enhances every touch. Even if you’re naturally wet, a few drops of water-based or hybrid lube can make stimulation smoother and more pleasurable.
Even stimulating your nipples (if that’s something you enjoy) with lube will feel more pleasurable than without it.
8. Communicate With Your Partner
Talking about what you like can feel vulnerable, but it’s one of the fastest routes to better sex.
Start with small verbal guidance (“slower,” “right there”) or physical action (guiding their hand, shifting your hips).
You don’t have to deliver a full speech. However, it may be a good idea to create a sex menu together or put together your own “Yes/No/Maybe” list that can help you get to know each other and your pleasure better.
The best lovers are mind readers only because their partners tell them what’s on their minds.
9. Let Go of Expectations
Orgasms sometimes become elusive when we focus too much on trying to have one.
Due to the mainstream media and the way orgasms and sex in general have been portrayed in films and porn, we may also have unrealistic expectations of what an orgasm feels like or how it looks.
Your orgasm is just as unique as your body and may not look like what you’ve seen in porn. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Explore how pleasure feels in your body, and have fun with it instead of trying to perform or expect an earth-shattering climax.
Orgasm Benefits
Let’s get into the science for a minute. What are the benefits of having orgasms, if any?
Feels Amazing
Let’s start with the obvious. One of the most important (if not the most important) benefits of orgasm is that it feels great.
Our bodies are full of sensitive erogenous zones that are receptive to different forms of stimulation and feel oh so pleasurable when stimulated.
Seeking and experiencing pleasure through an orgasm feels amazing and can make us happy, which is more than enough of a reason to engage in activities that can make us climax.
Helps With Sleep
How many times have you indulged in some quick self-pleasure to help you fall asleep more easily?
Yeah, you’re definitely not alone.
While not conclusive, some research shows that people who had an orgasm (through masturbation or partnered sex) before bed perceived their sleep to be deeper and more restful that night.
Even if that may not be 100% proven by science (yet), an orgasm or two before sleep won’t hurt.
Helps Connect With Your Body and Self
For many people to experience orgasm, they must be present in their body. A mindful practice of embodiment can have many positive benefits to your relationship with self and your pleasure.
“Having a regular pleasure practice allows you to build deeper awareness of your body, reconnect with yourself, and nurture a sense of safety, pleasure, and presence,” explains Balik.
How To Have an Orgasm FAQs
Let’s answer a couple of the most frequently asked questions about orgasms.
What Is an Orgasm?
An orgasm, or sometimes referred to as climax, is a “sudden, involuntary release of sexual tension,” explains Dr. Nagoski. It occurs after continuous stimulation of various erogenous zones in our bodies, such as genitals, nipples, and more. People with penises often ejaculate with an orgasm, and people with vulvas may experience involuntary vaginal muscle contractions.
What Does Orgasm Feel Like?
Orgasms, especially female orgasms, are still a mystery to many. The truth is, it’s hard to say what orgasm feels like because no two orgasms are alike. Not only do all people experience orgasms differently, but even orgasms can vary from each other.
How an orgasm may feel can depend on various factors, such as mode of stimulation (a vibe, fingers, a penis, or a tongue), whether you’re solo or with a partner, or where in your cycle you are.
“Sometimes you feel a rhythmic pulsing of the muscle around your vagina, sometimes no,” explains Dr. Nagoski. “The main thing most women describe most of the time is a sense of ‘doneness,’ a sense that you’ve crossed a threshold and something has completed.”
Why Can’t I Orgasm During Sex?
If you find it hard or impossible to have an orgasm during intercourse, you’re definitely not alone. “Less than a third of women are reliably orgasmic with vaginal penetration alone, while the remaining two-thirds or more are sometimes, rarely, or never orgasmic with penetration alone,” says Dr. Nagoski.
For most women, the clitoris is the powerhouse of their pleasure. Unfortunately, intercourse is not the most effective way to stimulate the clitoris for most.
“Research has found that one reason why women vary in how reliably they orgasm with penetration is the distance between the clitoris and the urethra,” explains Dr. Nagoski. “It’s essentially a matter of anatomical engineering.”
All of us are different and may require different positions and types of stimulation to have an orgasm. It doesn’t mean there's anything wrong with you. It simply means you have to find what works for you.
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