“How do I make him take charge in the bedroom?” | Concierge Confessional
Ever wish your partner would take the lead in the bedroom, but you don’t know how to ask
You’re not alone.
Wanting your partner to be more dominant doesn’t mean you’re unhappy, bored, or missing something. In fact, many people feel most secure exploring power dynamics when they’re already in a strong, loving relationship.
This week’s Concierge Confessional tackles a desire many people have but struggle to voice: “I want him to take charge in the bedroom. How do I make that happen?”
Our Concierge, Chloe, explains why this dynamic is so common (especially in long-term relationships) and how couples can explore dominance and submission without pressure, shame, or fear of “doing it wrong.”
Concierge Confessional: You Asked, Concierge Chloe Answers
An Arya Member Asks:
So, I really want a different vibe in the bedroom. I’m curious about being more on the submissive side, but my husband doesn’t really take the lead sexually. I honestly think he could… it just doesn’t come naturally to him.
Our relationship is in a great place. We’ve been together for over twenty years, and this isn’t about dissatisfaction at all… I just want to try something different. How do I bring it up without making it weird or putting pressure on him?
Concierge Chloe answers:
First off, this actually makes me really happy to read. Wanting to explore something new while feeling solid and happy in your relationship? That’s kind of the sweet spot.
A lot of partners are curious about being more submissive, while the other person just… hasn’t really gone there before. Not because they’re incapable, but more because they’ve never been invited to try.
Here’s the thing that often helps: try not to think of “dominant” as who he is. Think of it as something he does. Dominance is way more about confidence and permission than some natural personality trait.
Instead of making it a big, serious conversation like “I need you to be more dominant,” it usually lands better when it’s framed as play. Something like:
“Babe, how do you feel about a night where you’re totally in charge?”
“I think it would be really hot if you told me what to do tonight.”
That feels a lot less intimidating, and honestly, more fun.
Here’s something people don’t say enough: if you want him to lead, you have to be willing to let go a little and allow him to do that.
But, don’t get me wrong! Being submissive doesn’t mean becoming silent or passive. It means being clear about what you like, then trusting him enough to take the reins.
Here’s how it can look:
Tell him what turns you on before you’re in the moment
Let him know when something works (even if it’s a little clumsy at first)
Show him you want him to take control
Confidence grows through encouragement. No one steps into a new role perfectly on the first try.
If starting from scratch feels awkward, guided experiences can really help. Having a structure, like an Arya Scene, takes a lot of pressure off both of you.
He doesn’t have to guess what to do, and you don’t have to explain everything in the heat of the moment.
This isn’t about changing him or fixing anything. It’s about opening the door to a different kind of energy between you.
You’re not asking for him to change. You’re just asking for something new.
Got a question of your own?
Join our Reddit community and ask our in-house sexologists anything.
About Arya
Life is so grown up and you two deserve some play time. Insert your new bestie Arya — a monthly subscription to reignite the spark, try new sexual experiences, and grow closer with your partner. Don't hold back your fantasies! You'll get access to a personal relationship concierge, expertly guided activities tailored to your deepest desires and a curated box of goodies delivered discreetly to your door.
