30+ Ways How To Initiate Sex With Confidence
There are tons of misconceptions about how to initiate sex.
Initiating sex isn’t always about a sexy glance or ripping clothes off (though hey, those moments are fun too). Real life? It’s messy, busy, emotional, and sometimes downright awkward.
Whether you’re new to initiating, navigating tricky dynamics, or just trying to get frisky without stepping on Legos, this guide has you covered!
How To Initiate Sex… if You’ve Never Initiated Before, but You Want To
Maybe you’ve been waiting for them to make the first move… every time. But now? You’re ready to flip your roles. You’re ready to take the reins. First of all? We love that for you.
Why this feels hard: Fear of rejection, uncertainty about timing, or not knowing how to start without feeling awkward.
Here’s how to initiate without fear of rejection:
Start outside the bedroom: Initiation begins way before you’re under the sheets. A playful touch on the arm, a “you’re looking way too good today,” can set the tone hours ahead.
Use humor: “So hypothetically, if I kidnapped you to the bedroom in 10 minutes, would you resist?”
Non-verbal cues: Light a massage candle, put on that playlist, or show up in something that says, I’m not here to fold laundry.
Think small touches: A hand on their thigh, a whisper in their ear. Initiation doesn’t have to be bold to be effective.
Be physically closer: Sit closer during a show. Rest your hand on their thigh or trace slow circles on their arm.
Lead them into the bedroom (or wherever): Offer your hand. Sometimes, a simple pull in the right direction is all it takes.
If words feel awkward, let actions speak. Set the mood before you say a thing—dim lighting, sensual music, maybe a scented candle or two?
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“I’ve been thinking about you all day… want to do something about it?”
“I know I don’t usually start things, but I’d really love to touch you tonight.”
“I’m ready to take charge tonight, hope you’re ready too.”
How To Initiate Sex… if You’ve Tried Before, but They Weren’t Always Into It
Rejection stings. But it’s often about timing, stress, or misaligned moods—not you.
When your initial doesn’t land, it’s easy to feel hesitant next time. But connection isn’t a one-time thing, it’s about reading the moment and adapting.
Why this happens: Stress, mismatched libidos, distractions, or your partner needing a different type of approach.
Here’s how to initiate:
Shift the goal: Instead of aiming straight for sex, initiate intimacy. A back rub, a shower together, or cuddling can lead to more. Or just be a win on its own.
Ask them when’s the best time: “I know sometimes my timing’s off. When do you usually feel in the mood?” Maybe they’re into morning sex instead of nighttime sex.
Be playful: Send a flirty text during the day like, “Not expecting anything tonight, but just so you know… the way you kissed me this morning is still on my mind.”
Sometimes, simply reframing your initiation as “I want to help you relax” removes pressure and naturally leads to intimacy.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“No pressure, but I’d love to get close tonight, whatever feels good for you.”
“How can I help you relax so your body has a chance to want more?”
“Can I give you a massage tonight? No pressure, just want you to unwind.”
“Tonight’s just about us connecting, whatever that looks like.”
How To Initiate Sex if… You’re a Man Wanting To Build Anticipation, Do More Foreplay & Ease Her Mental Load
Because sexy doesn’t start with groping her while she’s elbow-deep in dishes or lying down naked on the bed, waiting for her to put the kids down.
The sexiest initiation starts hours before you ever touch her body. It starts with making her feel seen, desired, and supported.
Why this matters: Women often need to arrive mentally before their body follows. Emotional connection, stress relief, and feeling cared for = arousal.
Here’s how to initiate:
Foreplay starts in the morning: Compliment her. Handle a chore without being asked (and without announcing it). Kiss her neck when she’s not expecting it.
Build anticipation: Text her, “I’ve got plans for you tonight. Think slow hands and slow kissing.”
The 3-touch rule: Touch her non-sexually three times throughout the day; hip squeeze, brushing her hair back, holding her hand. Let her feel desired before things turn hot.
Make her day easier: Knock out a task she hates (dishes, laundry, handling dinner). Remember: unsolicited help = unexpected foreplay.
Midday flirting: Send a voice note: “Just picturing how you looked last time we used Arya… you’ve got me distracted.”
The more you show up outside the bedroom, the faster her mind can enter it when the moment comes.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“How about tonight, you let me take care of everything, starting now?”
“Forget sex for a second. I just want to make you feel amazing… We’ll see where it goes.”
“I’ve been planning how to touch you all day, ready to find out?”
How To Initiate if… You’re a Woman & Your Male Partner’s Libido Has Dropped or He Has Performance Anxiety
Yes, men can absolutely feel pressure, AND it can tank desire. Low libido or performance anxiety isn’t a dead end. It’s a reason to explore intimacy in a different way.
Why this happens: Stress, body image issues, fear of not performing, or hormonal shifts.
Here’s how to initiate:
Remove the “performance” narrative: Focus on touch, connection, and play, not penetration.
Invite, don’t demand: “No expectations, I just want to feel your skin on mine.”
Empower him: Let him lead in low-pressure ways. “Wanna show me how you like to be kissed tonight?”
Celebrate non-sexual intimacy: Watch something steamy together. Suggest a mutual massage. Normalize arousal without needing it to ‘go somewhere.’
Post-intimacy praise: The next day, remind him: “Last night felt amazing just being close with you.”
Normalize playful intimacy without needing it to “end” in a specific way. Use Arya’s experiences to shift focus to exploration, not expectation.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“I miss being close to you. How about we just make out like we used to?”
“What if tonight was about what feels good, nothing more?”
How To Initiate Sex if… Your Partner Has Sexual Triggers or Trauma
Initiating here is about safety, trust, and patience. Create emotional safety first and leave room for flexibility.
Why this needs care: Triggers aren’t always predictable. Consent, communication, and a trauma-informed approach are essential.
Here’s how to initiate:
Create ritualized check-ins: “How are you feeling about touch today?” Make this normal, not awkward.
Offer choices: “Would you like a massage, to cuddle, or just chat with some candles lit?”
Use sensory awareness: Keep light soft, scents calming, and always ask before shifting gears.
Use clear signals: Remind them: “You can stop me anytime. This is about what feels good for you.”
Stay present: Maintain eye contact, move slowly, and verbally check in throughout.
The more predictable and choice-driven the experience, the more relaxed your partner can feel.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“I’d love to connect. What feels safe and good for you right now?”
“We can stop anytime, I just want to explore closeness with no pressure.”
How To Initiate… Post-Surgery or Childbirth
Your body and your mind are in a whole new place. But desire doesn’t have to disappear— it just needs redefining.
Why this is delicate: There’s healing, body image shifts, possible hormonal changes, and maybe fear of pain.
Here’s how to initiate:
Redefine intimacy: “Let’s explore what feels good now, even if it’s just kissing and cuddling.”
Set boundaries beforehand: Agree “If anything feels off, we pause or stop, no pressure.”
Celebrate small wins: First sensual touch? A hot shower together. That’s intimacy, too.
Communicate: “I’m nervous, but I want to reconnect. Let’s take it slow.”
Debrief together: Afterwards, talk about what felt good; this builds trust for next time.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
“I miss feeling close to you. How about we just explore what feels nice, no expectations?”
“Wanna help me figure out what my new turn-ons are?”
“Let’s just focus on what feels good, no expectations, just us reconnecting.”
How To Initiate if… the House Is Full of Kids
Ah, yes, the ultimate mood-killer: constant interruptions and zero privacy. So real talk, spontaneity looks different with kids, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone.
Why this is tricky: Parental fatigue, lack of alone time, and feeling more like co-parents than lovers.
Here’s how to initiate:
The quickie: It doesn’t always have to be an elaborate production.
Create code words: “Feel like ‘folding laundry’ later?” Playful, discreet signals keep things fun.
Use micro-intimacy: Steal kisses in the pantry, grope in the hallway, send flirty texts across the room.
Schedule “us” time: Not sexy? Actually, it is—because anticipation builds when you know alone time is coming.
Treat scheduled intimacy like a sexy secret, not a chore.
Conversation Starters
Not sure what to say? Try one of these:
Whispering in passing: “When bedtime hits, I’m locking that door… You in?”
“I know the house is chaos, but I’ve got 10 minutes and a very naughty idea.”
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