State of Intimacy
A Report on Sex, Love, and Modern Relationships
TL;DR
TL;DR
We sampled over 6,000 recent users in different-gender relationships about the state of intimacy and sex in their relationships.
Couples engaged in different types of guided erotic play, which included directions on techniques and toys to integrate into their sex lives. Our data provides an up-close look at what couples experience when they begin exploring sex and emotional connection together.
Quick Links
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Quick Links ·
Exploring Modern Intimacy
Emotional connection and eroticism are essential ingredients for maintaining a fulfilling romantic bond. Yet, sometimes life's distractions–like managing work, kids, and physical and mental well-being–can throw a cold blanket on desire. Many of us struggle to sustain long-term, reliable partnerships while keeping things new, passionate, and romantic.
Arya’s team of relationship experts and data scientists set out to answer this question. In our first-ever State of Intimacy Report, we dive deep into today’s relationship landscape: What do couples desire? How connected do partners feel to each other? What kinds of erotic adventures turn them on (or off)? And can the spark of sexual passion be sustained long-term? (Spoiler: We think it can!)
So, what does it take to stay passionately in love in the modern world?
Part 1
Making novelty the new norm
Routinize Novelty
Routinize Novelty
Key takeaway: Keeping your intimate or sex life unchanged, even if frequent, may result in lower desire and satisfaction over time.
Exploring new sexual and intimate experiences with your partner has become key to long-term relationship satisfaction. Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, author of Love by Design, explains, “Many couples think seeking novelty means finding someone new! However, novelty could be experienced within the same coupledom in all sorts of different ways and over time”.
The Coolidge Effect, as it is known to social scientists, finds that nearly all long-term couples will experience “sexual boredom” at some point in their relationship. Couples that rely on the same kinds of sex for too long (termed “sexual monotony”) or stop seeking new sexual sensations are at particular risk of sexual boredom.
Our data finds that over 90% of couples who complete one curated night of play move on to complete a second night of play, and over 80% of couples complete a third night.
Q: What does exploring feel like?
“A good way to get you primed and ready to try new things."
Arya user, 34, cisgender woman
“Watching someone that I have so much love and respect for, try something outside of her comfort zone was such a turn-on."
Arya user, 42, cisgender man
“One of the things my partner and I really struggled with was finding new things to do. […] Doing online searching and finding reputable things to work with, especially toys and stuff, it’s really hard to find. Arya eliminated those barriers.”
Arya user, 29, cisgender woman
“If you don’t make changes or evolve over time, you’ll likely become bored. If you expect what worked in year one to work in year twelve, you’ll likely be disappointed. If you don’t push your comfort zone, you may lose interest.”
Dr. Jess O’Reilly
(Sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast)
Part 2
Insights on intimacy
It’s not therapy, but it can be therapeutic.
Takeaway: Great sex begets great sex— couples with high levels of sexual satisfaction are actively seeking out ways to continue to deepen their intimacy and explore more sexual experiences together.
You may assume people seeking out a couple’s wellness platform like Arya are in struggling relationships. Actually, the majority of Arya users report feeling very in-love and emotionally-connected to their partners. They also tend to report a high level of sexual satisfaction at the time of sign-up.
Re-investing in intimacy (sexual or emotional) is one of the most important habits of the happiest of couples and it can also help revive partnerships that are trying to “figure things out.”
"The realm of relationships and pleasure, in particular, is one of the only areas in which we don’t receive formal education. And modern couples know that it’s time to change that. Relationships are the foundation of health and happiness, so they’re worth investing in.""These findings reflect that educational content can positively affect self-esteem, emotional well-being, and trust. "Dr. Jess O’Reilly
(Sexologist, Author, and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast)
“The research is very very clear that many individuals have an interest in sexual exploration ranging from mild exploration to a more kinky tendency but they’re often afraid to talk to their partners about this. Add to that most therapists including sex therapists might not have the tools at hand to talk about kink and sexual exploration. Add to that recent research which finds women who experiment with kink have less pain and more arousal. For therapists, having a tool like this to offer a couple interested in exploration can be very useful and a good addition to the in-person work they do with clients during their sessions.”
Author of Becoming Cliterate
Professor of Psychology University of Florida
“The biggest barrier to exploring eroticism with a partner is often figuring out where to start. Add onto this that many partners are worried about disrupting the relationship, feeling unprepared, or making their partner feel like the sex they’ve been having ‘isn’t good enough’…there’s simply too much friction between learning new sexual skills and integrating those skills into couples’ sex lives. Even for couples who are otherwise very much in love.”
How intimacy impacts exploration
If partners feel closely connected to one another they are also more likely to spend time learning about new sexual and/or intimate play styles, toys, and techniques. Partners who are closely connected are also more likely to express satisfaction with their curated nights of play. Though our analysis cannot attribute causation to these correlations, we suspect that higher user engagement (read: more investment in learning new skills) increases partners’ satisfaction when exploring new skills together. We also expect that having a close relationship correlates with other important relational factors like trust, intimate communication, caretaking behaviors, etc. which likely enhance the experience of exploring new sides of intimate and erotic relationships.
The takeaway
Even deeply connected partners are looking to explore new sides of intimacy and sex with one another. Couples who are deeply emotionally connected as well as couples who feel less emotionally connected enjoy exploring intimacy.
Measuring Love
Measuring Love
Wondering how we measure “intimacy”?
To measure closeness between partners, we use the Inclusion of Other in Self Scale which is one of the most widely accepted and validated scales for measuring the level of intimacy between partners.
Which picture best depicts your relationship?
Sexual Functioning and Pain
4/5
satisfaction
Median score from users who report chronic pain or discomfort during sex
Takeaway: Chronic discomfort or pain during sex doesn’t stop couples from finding pleasure in new sides of eroticism.
One of our favorite discoveries in this analysis is how much people with chronic discomfort or pain during sex loved experimenting with new sides of eroticism. Trying creative positions, new toys, or diving into sensation play can open doors to realms of pleasure and sidestep some of the common roadblocks to facing partners with discomfort during sex.
“Sexual pain is one of the most reported sexual problems, especially among women. Too often, this leads to guilt and shame or the heartbreaking belief that one is broken. The antidote? Curiosity! And a willingness to explore different sexual techniques and positions that challenge stale sexual scripts about what great sex looks like.”
Suzanne Sinatra & Claire Courtney , Founders of Private Packs
“Our cultural narrative around sexuality has finally expanded to include sexual pain, along with sexual expression, identity, and kink…The findings presented underscore a significant reality: Individuals navigating sexual pain are not passive recipients of their circumstances. Rather, they are active participants in their own well-being, commonly seeking solutions, community, and connection.”
Bodies, Bodies, Bodies
Bodies, Bodies, Bodies
We compared how much users enjoyed experimenting with sex in a structured way depending on how comfortable they felt being naked around their partners. Even Arya users who only felt “a little” comfortable naked reported a median satisfaction rating of 4/5–which was the same median satisfaction rating as those who always felt comfortable being nude.
Many of us have a “complicated” relationship with our bodies. And seeing as we have sex with those bodies, the connection (or disconnection) we feel with our body can dramatically impact our relationship to sex. For this reason, Arya provides content on mind-body connection and body self-esteem in all of its programs.
The takeaway
Low body confidence doesn’t hold people back from improving sexual satisfaction with the support of educational and inspirational content.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…
even if it’s a little scary.
Improving communication around sex empowers partners with the necessary skills to express their desires and needs within the context of their sexual (and overall) relationship. Yet, many Americans are left to their own devices when it comes to communicating with an intimate partner. Our analysis finds that giving couples entertaining how-to’s on supportive and collaborative conversations about sex and emotional connection may help. Couples who’ve never tried discussing sex with each other had similar satisfaction with their exploration compared to couples who feel absolutely no anxiety around sexual communication.
The takeaway
If you have anxiety talking about sex with your partner, structured sexual exploration can be the key to improving communication.
E. 44, CISGENDER WOMAN - ARYA USER
“Now looking back, we realized that we both were holding back a lot and after trying Arya we can talk about our desires…it's been really fun and good for our relationship”
J. 29, CISGENDER MAN - ARYA USER
“It’s really helped me to open up and also helped with the communication between my partner and I. It’s a lot of fun and I’ve learned a lot too. Arya has really been a big help in my sex life.”
Trust is earned…and you can always earn more
A large minority (27%) of our users report that they have “major trust issues” when they sign up for Arya. We provide users with content on building emotional connection including practices to build good faith between partners as erotic collaborators. The result: Users that report major trust issues enjoy exploring eroticism nearly as much as those that report zero pre-existing problems in their relationships.
"We’ve never done anything like this before and it put a spark in our marriage and relationship. Arya’s really opened us up to new things and we’re finding out who our true selves are physically and what we really like. It’s been awesome."-T., 42, cisgender manThe takeaway
Users that report major trust issues enjoy exploring eroticism nearly as much as those that report zero pre-existing problems in their relationships.
Part 3
Tell me what you want…
Gimme More
Couples were asked about what they want to explore with their partner. Three major categories emerged: making sex more adventurous (25.3%), bridging their sexual desires and kinks (20.5%), and extending and expanding foreplay (19.3%).
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Whether you're an experienced duo seeking to reignite the flames or a fresh couple eager to explore uncharted territory, the number one desire amongst all couples is to make sex more adventurous (regardless of gender, age, relationship duration, or previous sexual experience). And that totally makes sense. After all, sex is “adult play,” and in order to keep yourself excited to keep playing, you need to change up the game now and then.
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There's something undeniably exciting about unearthing the hidden treasures of our partner's desires. Sharing and learning each other's sexual kinks can be like stepping into a whole new world of pleasure, where you both become adventurous explorers in the realm of fantasy. It adds a dash of spice to your relationship, turning the mundane into the extraordinary, and the ordinary into the mind-bogglingly pleasurable.
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Partners desire a bit more lead-up to “the main act.” Many of us are accustomed to thinking about sex as penetrative, but sex therapists and researchers have come to see that narrative as problematic…especially for people with vulvas. Orgasms can take longer to achieve for vulva-owners when compared to people with penises. This is especially true when we look at orgasms from penetrative sex without clitoral stimulation!
The takeaways: (1) foreplay can be a crucial part of “the main act” for many vulva-owners and (2) investing in foreplay is a great way to expand your understanding of what constitutes “sex” in your relationship!
“Kinks and fetishes are more prevalent than commonly believed and it is through routinizing sexual exploration and normalizing conversations about sex, that partners can get to a place where they can fully embrace their full sexual selves.”
What do partners want to explore together?
We asked users to tell us which playstyle they were most interested in exploring with their partner. The distribution of responses are similar across cisgender women and men in different-gender relationships.
Part 4
No experience necessary
Couples in our sample came in with a range of sexual experiences.
"We are in the golden era of a sensual awakening and couples are waking up to the depth of options available to them in the bedroom.”
Katya Libin | Co-founder HeyMama and Founder Katya Libin & Co.
Mackie Swan
Erotic exploration is another tool in your relationship toolbox. There's no need to feel obligated to continue "leveling up" if you and your partner(s) feel sexually satisfied and stimulated. But in any long-term relationship, there are inevitably periods of sexual boredom or fatigue.
That is where erotic exploration comes in.
Does experience matter?
Takeaway: Users of all experience levels found a guided format for exploring eroticism satisfying.
Arya’s users have helped to debunk a common misconception: Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to be a “sexpert” or have a degree in the Art of Seduction to successfully explore new erotic activities with your partner. Users of all experience levels found a guided format for exploring eroticism satisfying. Including users who reported “zero” previous experience in exploring sex with their partner.
User satisfaction ratings of their first night of curated play, grouped by previous experience (scale 1-5)
The Secret Ingredient:
Feeling safe with your partner
While couples may be able to earn more trust through a process like Arya, entering with a foundation of safety is crucial. Users who don’t feel particularly safe exploring sex with their partners report difficulty using a platform like ours. Having a low safety score correlates with a median success rating of 2/5, whereas couples with high safety scores have a median success rating of 4/5.
In this way, you can think of safety as setting the stage for unforgettable erotic experiences. First, we need to feel secure in our partner's embrace, then we can unlock the true essence of eroticism, intertwining vulnerability and pleasure.
“Without emotional and physical safety, we lose our ability to express perhaps the most critical ingredient for great sex: vulnerability. To experience pleasure requires letting our guard down, communicating authentically, and, literally and figuratively, letting someone else in. We simply can’t do this without safety.”
Human Sexuality Professor, University of Washington
Author of the forthcoming book “You Could Be Having Better Sex”
Women come first. And men love it.
By and large, women tend to be the ones signing up for Arya. And, once on the platform, male partners are more likely to engage with content.
These trends support recent cultural shifts that promote women to seek sexual pleasure, feel empowered in their sexuality, and introduce their partners to new visions of what eroticism may look like when a women’s pleasure is just as important as men’s.
“It may be that curated erotic play is the bridge that women need between empowerment and communication of their needs.
We know that women’s pleasure is important to most men but, given the longstanding “orgasm gap” and higher rates of sexual dissatisfaction among women, it’s clear that men have been misguided by societal assumptions about what ‘good sex’ looks like for women. The truth is that men want directions and information on how to be better lovers. And curated erotic play may relieve some of the pressure on women to be the ones teaching men how to become skilled lovers.”
‘Sexploring’ has no age limit
When it comes to exploring sex and emotional connection with your partner, it's never too late to join the party! Users from 20 to 40-years-plus report similar levels of engagement. This is no surprise to us; recent literature discusses the concept of “sexual longevity” or the idea that eroticism can remain fulfilling across the entire life course. Today’s couples want a lifetime of love, laughter, and some saucy escapades!
Founder of afterglow
“Intimacy and sexual pleasure have no age limit. It is truly a continuous learning journey! Our identities, relationships, and bodies are constantly changing. Prioritizing pleasure and bringing active curiosity to sex is the path to a better sex life.”
It's a common misconception that it's only Millenials and Gen Z looking to amp up their sexual satisfaction. Needs around intimacy change based on life stage and events like marriage, divorce, kids or menopause. This report confirms my experience - afterglow has a huge audience base in the 40-65+ age range and these folks tend to be some of the most engaged with sexual content.
Co-Founder and CEO, Dame Products
Sociologist, Author, Television Personality
“There is no age cut-off for exploring new sexual fantasies and experiences. Part of staying youthful is staying creative and exploratory about sexual play”
Part 5
A quick debrief
The Wrap-Up
The Wrap-Up
This data furthers our understanding of how to help modern couples who:
wish to explore eroticism and are otherwise happy in their relationships
wish to supplement their ongoing therapy practices
wish to routinize their sexual and intimate exploration
The expectations placed on our relationships have never been higher.
Emotional and sexual fulfillment are considered core needs for nearly all intimate partnerships, and when these needs aren’t met, there can be major ramifications for both partners. What’s more, even very compatible partners suffer from sexual and/or emotional boredom because techniques to explore erotic and intimate connections often feel inaccessible or clinical.
Our user data indicates that common roadblocks to exploration–like little sexual experience, low body self-esteem, anxiety when discussing sex, ageist or sexist sexual scripts–might be addressed in an approach that couples research with entertainment. It is not a panacea. And it is not therapy.
But this method of sexual exploration has clear, quantifiable benefits for the majority of couples who try it. This model of exploration might even benefit couple’s therapists or clinicians who are looking to give clients supplementary help in enhancing their relationships.
DEFINITIONS
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DEFINITIONS ·
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Short for consensual non-monogamy can be defined as “an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, and/or sexual relationships with multiple people.” This can take many different forms.
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Tantric sex encompasses a wide range of behaviors that incorporate a mind-body-soul connection. Meditation, breath work, and energy work are often part of tantric sexuality. This practice originates from Hindu and Buddhist spiritual disciplines and may be explored in yogic or ritualized contexts.
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This playstyle is centered around having differentiated roles in the bedroom that hold unequal amounts of sexual power. In best practice, partners fully consent to the power dynamic and define the boundaries of their power play.
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Dominant/submissive play is a consensual and role-based form of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) where individuals voluntarily take on dominant and submissive roles in their sex.
The dominant partner assumes control and authority, while the submissive partner consents to relinquishing power and following the dominant's lead, creating an erotic power dynamic that enhances pleasure and intimacy for all parties involved.
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When partners pleasure themselves while in each other's presence. This often involves active participation and communication between partners. Mutual masturbation may be especially good for fostering a sense of vulnerability and trust during play.
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Think erotic novels, porn, and sexy pictures (or, more likely, “nudes”). Incorporating erotica in sexual play is a common activity among Arya users.
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An imaginative sexual activity where individuals assume different roles, often adopting characters or personas, to explore and act out various fantasies and scenarios. This can involve the use of costumes, props, and dialogue to enhance arousal and create a sense of excitement and novelty in the sexual experience.
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Partners engage in activities that involve pleasurable sensations alongside controlled and consensual pain or discomfort. This controlled form of pain is sometimes called “good pain” because it taps into the same neural pathways that control pleasure in the brain.
A note about our data
Over six thousand recent Arya users in different-gender relationships filled out our extensive questionnaire covering everything from their previous sexual experience to what makes them feel safe and loved. Most of our users also provide feedback throughout their journeys which gives us insight into how intimacy and eroticism may be increased with a targeted couples wellness platform like Arya. Additionally, many users sat down for one-on-one interviews with our experts so we could understand their personal narratives and desires. This is a convenience sample of cisgender users in different-gender relationships, and therefore not a demographically representative sample. We analyzed data from Millennials and Boomers; freshly formed couples as well as couples who’ve been together 20 years strong; coastal couples and couples living in the American heartland; couples who are new to exploring sex as well as full-fledged “kinksters.” This report is a collection of their experiences and stories…
We prioritize the ethical considerations surrounding the collection and utilization of user-provided information from Arya. The data used for analysis was sourced in compliance with a rigorous framework that upholds user privacy and data security.
Anonymization
All data used in this report has been thoroughly anonymized to ensure the protection of individual identities. Personal identifying information has been removed, safeguarding the confidentiality of our platform's users.
Informed Consent
Prior to initiating any data analysis, we obtained consent from all participants. We ensured that users consented to the nature of the data collection, its purpose, and the potential implications of participation.
User Privacy
Our commitment to user privacy remains unwavering. We have taken meticulous measures to prevent any potential harm or privacy breaches. The data utilized in this report is aggregated and generalized to prevent the identification of specific individuals.
The State of Intimacy report was authored by Nicholas Velotta, the Head of Relationship Research at Arya in collaboration with Jacqueline Wilf. For questions regarding our data or findings please contact Jacky@arya.fyi