Here’s Why Lube Isn’t Optional, According to a Pelvic Floor Expert
We asked a pelvic floor therapist and founder of Lava Lube to break down one of the most misunderstood tools in the bedroom: lube.
Sex is supposed to feel good. But for a lot of people (more than anyone talks about), it doesn't. There's discomfort, dryness, tension, or a disconnect between what the mind wants and what the body allows. And instead of getting answers, most people get silence.
Kristen Damery built her practice around changing that. As a pelvic floor therapist, she works with patients to understand what's really going on beneath the surface: why pain happens, where tension comes from, and how small shifts (including something as simple as lube) can completely change the experience of sex.
From pelvic tension to pain during sex, here's what she wants you to know.
Your Pelvic Floor Does More Than You Think
What is the pelvic floor, and why is it so important for sexual health and comfort?
The pelvic floor is a group of muscles and other tissues that form a bowl-type support system at the base of your pelvis. The pelvic floor supports our pelvis, but also the pleasure organs, reproductive organs, bladder, and bowel.
Pelvic floor function is a key driver in sexual health in a few ways. A healthy pelvic floor pumps rhythmically during arousal to improve and sustain arousal in men and women. If your pelvic floor is too tight or weak, the rhythmic contractions that improve blood flow are diminished, which can contribute to difficulty achieving orgasm or a less intense orgasm. A tight pelvic floor can also lead to pain with penetration due to muscle tension. The key is balance, a strong pelvic floor that can contract and relax.
The Hidden Reason Sex Can Hurt
Why do so many people experience discomfort or pain during sex, even when they feel turned on?
Being turned on and ready mentally doesn’t always correlate with being physically ready. The most common reason in my area of expertise is a tight or overactive pelvic floor. This can be caused by continued muscle clenching, stress, or past painful experiences. When our body has experienced pain with sex previously, it has a tendency to correlate that activity with pain, and it can become a cycle that is difficult to get out of. Another reason for pain with sex is dryness. Dryness doesn’t mean you’re not turned on; frequently, it can be linked to hormonal shifts during postpartum or menopause timeframes, or could be as simple as being dehydrated.
What are the most common signs your pelvic floor might be too tight or not functioning optimally?
The most common signs of pelvic floor dysfunction are pain (typically in the genital region, though it can show up as back or hip pain as surrounding muscles compensate), difficulty reaching orgasm, and leaking or difficulty fully emptying the bladder or bowel, which can occur with both weakness and tightness.
What You Can Actually Do About It
What are 2–3 simple things people can do to improve comfort and reduce tension during sex?
Breathe. This is, hands down, the most beneficial tool I recommend. When you inhale, imagine "opening" the pelvic floor. Taking time to breathe before sex and during penetration reminds the body that it's safe and gives the pelvic floor permission to relax.
Choose positions that reduce pain, and take it slow. This requires good communication with your partner. Take time to explore what positions are uncomfortable and which ones allow you to have more control over angles, depth, and speed.
The Unexpected Role Lube Plays in Your Pelvic Floor
Where does lube actually fit into pelvic floor health?
Even when we feel turned on, our bodies might not be fully lubricated. When there is friction during sex, it signals our muscles to ‘protect” us, which leads to unconscious clenching of the pelvic floor muscles. When we use a lubricant, it makes it easier for muscles to stay relaxed.
What does lube actually do for the body, beyond just “reducing dryness”?
Lubrication gives the body freedom to relax and explore. It lowers our brain’s threat response in a way that our nervous system is less likely to activate protective tightening due to friction. Lube helps the body stay relaxed during sex, and it enhances sensation by reducing painful sensations and allows us to respond to pleasure more clearly.
What a Pelvic Floor Therapist Actually Recommends
What type of lube do you recommend most often and why?
I recommend a silicone-based lubricant most commonly because it is the least disruptive to the body. They are formulated with medical-grade silicone that is free of dyes, fragrance, and preservatives, and silicone molecules are too large to be absorbed by the body. It is a great choice for people who want a long-lasting lubricant that maintains their body's natural pH. Now, there is a time and a place for other types of lubricant, but that is a recommendation based on my patient’s specific goals.
Arya recommends: Lava Personal Lubricant is a luxurious silicone-based lube designed to enhance your experience without interfering with your body’s natural chemistry. Preservative, dye, and fragrance-free for your ultimate comfort.
What Nobody Tells You About Choosing a Lube
What are the biggest mistakes people make when using lube?
The biggest mistakes I see when people use lube are choosing the wrong type for the situation or feeling like lubrication is only needed if there is a problem. The three main types of lubricants are water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based.
All three have specific pros and cons:
Water-based is recommended for use with toys, but has a tendency to dry up quickly, which makes it less effective if pain is present.
Silicone-based is pH neutral and most suitable for pelvic floor relaxation, but is not safe for use with silicone toys.
Oil-based lasts a long time and can soften skin, but is not typically safe to use with condoms and can increase infections in some people.
Why Your Nightstand Needs a Quality Lubricant
Can lube actually enhance pleasure, not just solve discomfort or pain?
Lube has a huge role to play in reducing discomfort and allowing for pleasure sensation over pain, but also, our bodies crave novelty. That is why Arya is such a great tool for couples. When we introduce new things to our relationship, even as simple as lube, our body perceives that as something new and exciting. Lube can be used for its intended purpose, but it’s also great for a massage or drizzled over your body as a sensual experience. Add a quality lubricant to your nightstand, and you may be surprised at the uses you come up with.
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About Arya
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